Our election day manifesto to ensure you don't look like a dick on the dancefloor for the next five years

 

At least one UK political party leader is going to get absolutely hammered this weekend. Whether it’s Ed Miliband taking in a round of celebratory flaming sambuccas or Nigel Farage drowning himself in a vat of lukewarm John Smith's, someone is going to be 'aving it large.

We have it under good information that Number 10 have booked Gorgon City for the official winners party, so ahead of the big night, we’ve cobbled together a Ministry of Sound dancing manifesto. The do’s, don’ts and definitely’s of shape pulling. For a better Britain.

 

WEAR SOMETHING BREATHABLE

This is more than merely attaching tie-to-head a la Rambo. Ditch polyester in favour of cotton and don’t even think about going sock-less. Sweat patches never got anyone laid, so maybe think about what is and isn’t about to start clinging to your armpits after an hour on the dancefloor.

 

DON’T ARRIVE TOO EARLY

All the promoters are laughing at you because you’re trying to dance to the Spotify mix the bar staff have put on. Don’t be that guy.

 

LET LOOSE

It doesn't matter how bad your dancing is. You can be less graceful than a three legged giraffe and it's still better than standing there solemnly nodding along to the beat. It's Saturday night, you're in a dark room, with banging bass and a couple hundred drunk people, nobody cares what you look like. You've got Monday - Friday to follow the herd, go nuts.

 

NO DRAKE NO DRAKE NO DRAKE

A YouGov poll of DJs who’ve experienced a phone shoved in their face saying “PLAY DRAKE” revealed a shocking 99% yes vote. For the sake of the welfare of the country, bite back the urge to request Drizzy and wait for the after party.

 

SAY NO TO SLEAZING

Men of Britain. I know we only make up 50% of the population, but we tend to make up at least 70% of any dancefloor anywhere, so it's of utmost importance that you don't ruin it for everyone by sleazing over every female in sight. We shouldn't have to be spelling this out to you, but the following things are not OK: grinding, groping, grabbing and getting agro because the girl in front of you would rather hangout with her friends than waste the next two hours batting away your filthy mitts. I mean this is 2015, there's a time and a place to try and get laid and it's called the smoking area.

 

DON'T DOUBLE PARK ON THE DANCEFLOOR

Yes we know it's a pain in the ass having to queue at the bar, but if you really have to get two drinks at a time, here's a mantra for you: a shot and a spirit. Get a tequila for the bar and a double rum and coke for the floor. It's as simple as that. And this way you're not spilling the better part of two pints over the people around you with your double parked dad dancing.

 

MOSHPITS ARE FOR METAL SHOWS

It's not 2007, you're not in the SU strawpedoing VKs to Fall Out Boy. Moshing can be fun, sometimes great fun, but it has no place at a rave. OK maybe if Justice, The Prodigy or Bloody Beetroots are playing. But that's it. Next time you feel like moshing with your bros, look at the booth. Is that Justice in there? No? Well then nip that idea in the bud right now.

 

DON'T PUT YOUR DRINKS NEAR THE DJ EQUIPMENT

How much do CDJs cost? About £2000, each. A good mixer? At least another £2000. Macbook Pro? £1200. How much does your drink cost? A fiver. Either finish it, throw it away or deal with spilling some of it. Don't risk ruining everyone's night and the DJ's month with your inability to hold a cup of liquid for five minutes.

 

DON'T STASH YOUR COAT UNDER A TABLE ASSUMING IT WON'T GET STOLEN TO SAVE £1 ON CLOAKROOM

Moron.