It's election time and we're imagining a world where candidates fill our ears with beats and bass rather than rhetoric and empty promises

 

What if the political parties were actual parties - what sort of set would their headline acts be playing? We decided to trawl through the Internet to find as many clues as possible to our prospective PM's music tastes and fit them together into a semi-coherent set list. If you're an undecided voter and you rank tune selection over cabinet selection, then this is pretty much the only political comment you need to read before the 7th May.

 

David Cameron

After a few wines, Dave often fantasises about quitting the 'big society' for the 'big beats' 

DJ Dave is very vocal about his musical loves, having regularly told interviewers what he's got on his iPod to drown out the sound of George Osborne talking at him.

A lifetime of schmoozing and pressing the flesh must make Dave think he's a pretty popular guy so he'll start with "This Charming Man", despite both Morrissey and Johnny Marr publicly banning him from enjoying their music. Famously shy and quiet, Morrissey once said: "David Cameron hunts, shoots and kills stags – apparently for pleasure. It was not for such people that either 'Meat Is Murder' or 'The Queen Is Dead' were recorded.″

Similarly, Thom Yorke has threatened legal action if the Conservatives ever use his music in an election campaign. But he didn't say anything about an imaginary club night. So onto the decks goes "Fake Plastic Trees", although he'll want to avoid "Creep" and "How To Disappear Completely".

Next up is one of his old college favourites "The Eton Rifles" by the Jam, despite Paul Weller's assertion that ″it was not a f***ing jolly drinking song for the cadet corps." No doubt a few restaurants were smashed in the Bullingdon days to that tune.

Realising too late that he's lost the crowd with the down tempo guitar-heavy set, DJ Dave dives into the 90s club tunes and on goes "King of My Castle" by Wamdue Project and "Blue (Da Ba Dee)" by Eiffel 65.

 

Closing Track: The Conservative mantra for the past five years has been 'we're all in this together' (cough-cough-bollocks-cough) so "All Together Now" by Farm would have DJ Dave giving what's left of the crowd the double thumbs-up as the lights come on.

Not On My Decks: After Matt Baker's infamous ″how do you sleep?″ question, he'll want to avoid "Insomnia" by Faithless.

 

Ed Miliband

In North London, Ed frequently brings the whole kebab shop back for an after party

Ed's predecessor Gordon Brown once told reporters he was listening to the Arctic Monkeys, in a slightly obvious attempt to appeal to younger voters, but he couldn't actually name one of their songs.

That's not how this Labour leader rolls. Although with Ed's taste in music, his set is in danger of becoming an eighties cheese-fest. His opening track is "Take On Me" by Aha, one of his Desert Island Discs choices. Eight songs to take to a desert island with him and he chooses this?! We can only hope he misunderstood the premise and intended to bury it there.

Eighties Ed was also a fan of hair-tastic girl band Bananarama. So with a cheeky dedication to David Cameron out comes "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye". Ed chants along, encouraging the crowd to as well, but do enough join in to make it a success? Too close to call.

Next up is "A New England" by Billy Bragg, a Labour favourite and a predictably safe interview answer given by Ed to show that he still knows Labour are supposed  to be the party of the people.

Ed realises he needs to prove he's still 'with it' so he breaks out some Ellie Goulding and Bastille, having named them in a recent Metro interview as his more current musical tastes. It is more than apparent that Ed does not employ a young publicist to give him 'cool' band names to drop.

 

Closing Track: "Angels" by Robbie Williams is another questionable choice from his Desert Island Discs selection to bring the set to a close.

Not On My Decks: "Things Can Only Get Better" by D:Ream is an unwanted throwback to 'New Labour' and the shadow of the Blair and Bush double-act that proved so popular in the Middle-East.

 

Natalie Bennett

DJ Natty B with her dossier full of locally-sourced dancefloor weapons.

As long as the club is carbon neutral, Natalie's well up for a DJ set so she'll kick things off with one from her Australian compatriots AC/DC. Out comes "Highway to Hell" for the spurious global warming connotation in the title.

"Green Garden" by Laura Mvula is more on message for The Green Party leader, as is "Big Yellow Taxi" by Joni Mitchell for its paving of paradise and not knowing what you've got 'til it's gone.

Her party aren't so keen on keeping the royal family - it's in their manifesto that they'd tell them to go and get proper jobs. So next Natalie takes a punk turn and brings out "God Save The Queen" by Sex Pistols. Because it's lyrics aren't really about saving the Queen at all, are they Johnny Rotten you cheeky scamp.

Also in their manifesto is free condoms for all. This is probably to reduce teenage pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases, but maybe what they're really trying to say is "Let's Get It On", so Natalie breaks out a bit of Marvin Gaye. And then "Bump N Grind" by R Kelly, too get things really steamy.

 

Closing Track: Once the crowd has stopped all the sexually charged bumping and grinding, "Earth Song" by Michael Jackson reminds everyone what the Greens are really all about.

Not On My Decks: "Cars" by Gary Numan is an ode to the petrol guzzling automobile that doesn't sit well with Natalie.

 

Nick Clegg

Nick's bassface after satisfying drop on his drive time dubstep show.

There is a temptation to think MC Clegg would play whatever DJ Dave tells him to, but as the election rears its head, Nick is keen to prove he dances to the beat of his own drum.

MC Clegg will start with "Two Can Play That Game" by Bobby Brown to remind us all that the government has, in theory, been a coalition for the past five years.

Before the 2010 election, Clegg was reasonably popular as politicians go. Five years and a broken promise on tuition fees later he's going to play "Show Me Love" by Robin S – as much a plea as dancefloor filler.

Unlike Ed, when Clegg appeared on Desert Island Discs there were one or two pleasant surprises, namely "Life on Mars" by David Bowie and "Street Spirit" by Radiohead.

Hedging his bets a bit ahead of 7th May, Nick Clegg recently said: "We will add a heart to a Conservative government and we will add a brain to a Labour one,″ so with that in mind "Heartbeats" by The Knife or "Where Is My Mind" by Pixies, depending on which bodily parts he thinks the Lib Dems will be providing.

 

Closing Track: "Yellow" by Coldplay. Possibly while he sheds a small tear as he remembers what it was like when they didn't take orders from the Tories.

Not On My Decks: Despite being a Prince fan, "Purple Rain" could be too painful for MC Clegg if UKIP have a strong election.

 

Nigel Farage

Nigel trying to laugh off a clanger at UKIP's handbag house fundraiser, "Sovereignty"

Pint-loving, plain-speaking, common-sense man of the people Nige is a tricky man to pin down on his musical tastes. In one interview he said: “I don’t listen to music, I don’t watch television, I don’t read,” which makes you wonder what he does to wind down after a long day of immigrant-bashing and scaremongering.

But he's got a crowd to entertain so he needs to come up with something. Being such a fan of a pint, he'll kick it off with "Born Slippy" and happily chant along with the ″lager, lager, lager, lager″ bit, not realising until afterwards that he should have chosen a song with a less suggestive title for a politician.

"Money (That's What I Want)" is up next. Because despite his 'us against them' rhetoric, positioning himself as your only down-to-earth candidate, he was a city trader through the eighties and nineties.

Nigel is a man with a very rose-tinted pair of glasses when looking back at the past so "Village Green Preservation Society" by The Kinks will be next. It's perhaps a touch too whimsical for Nigel as it doesn't blame all  the UK's problems on foreigners but he enjoys lines like ″God save Tudor houses, antique tables, and billiards.″

"Immigrant Song" by Led Zeppelin will get him rocking out in the DJ booth because there's not a day goes by when Nige isn't getting all worked up about the immigrants taking our jobs. Just don't mention his German secretary / wife.

 

Closing Track: Like any politician worth his salt, he has been the subject of a News of the World sex scandal. Latvian TV reporter Liga Howells claimed married Nigel was a seven-times a night man, so "Horny" by Mousse T should get the crowd on their feet - if only to be violently sick at the image of Nigel getting it on.

Not On My Decks: He's described "Imagine" by John Lennon as containing the ″hateful message of globalisation by imperialistic homogenisation.″ So that's not going in the record bag then. Neither is any rap, which is ″aggressive, unpleasant and nasty.″