Commentators have been quick to question why the UK has lost more than half of its nightclubs in a decade
With potential blame factors being costly entry, the continued excellent quality of music festivals and boring/health conscious millennials, we were shocked to see Tinder being bandied around as an explanation for desertion.
This cannot be true. The suggestion that your gap year travelling, jager loving swipe left lad is no longer going clubbing is simply absurd. So you want to know why we’re so sure? Because we saw him last week smashing off pre’s at Be @ One. We saw him queuing to get into Ministry. We saw him swipe right'ing before, during and after ordering an Uber home!
Here’s the (un)official guide to finding Tinder stereotypes in the club.
The Tinder Tiger
THE INTERNET SEES YOU TIGER MAN. We see you and your doped up endangered animal, looking like the cat who got the cream and caring nothing for the likes of Cousin Cecil. We see you mid-dancefloor at your local deep house dive, wearing the same vest as your offending Tinder picture.
Which-One’s-Which
Safety in numbers has never been a truer formula when it comes to the Tinder profile of an undefinable woman. Likely to be found huddled in groups of three to six, she's busy Instagramming her roof top served bottle of Prosecco as a non-descript piano house DJ provides background noise.
Like judging people in nightclubs? Here's every type of clubber you meet in London
The Ripped Philosopher
Do Fernando's words of wisdom hold up when challenged? Find him in a VIP booth, dressed in pastel coloured chinos, bevving on the endless buckets of Ciroc that surround him. He's untouchable, but only out of choice. These trousers need dry cleaning after every wear, which probably explains the gratuitous nudity in his Tinder pictures.
Ever wondered what it'd be like if Steve Aoki went on Bake Off? Wonder no more!
Too Kooky To Handle
Find this box of frogs at a psy-trance rave, or a swing dance class, or rambling through the park at 7:30 on a Sunday morning, with no clue where her shoes are. Swipe right if wifing Zoey Deschanel is your idea of a lifetime achievement.
Curiosity Will Kill Your Cat
When you're running out of swipes and you feel like Tinder might be about to defeat you, this guy shows up. In a haze of delusion, you swipe right, only to be offered a five headed dick pic. You block him, but - much like the hydra from Geek mythology - lopping off one head only makes him stronger and you find him wandering around at the after party you accidentally find yourself at, still high and still hungry for more. Going there will never be a good idea.
