Dry January, eh?
The mantra of those broken by Christmas spending, or just words used in the quest for sainthood by people you wish you’d never become friends with? Either way, leave the Dry January cohort to their soda waters and use the next three weeks to better yourself, with a pint firmly in hand.
Spend All The Money Your Gran Gave You On Going to Bugged Out!
Never a wiser suggestion was made. Bugged Out! (as previously noted) is the antithesis to dry January. It’s literally the wettest thing you could be doing this miserable month. There’s a swimming pool. There will be dancing, providing ample opportunity to sweat off every last milliliter of cranberry sauce remaining in your body. It is also notorious wasteman Jackmaster’s 30th birthday, a strong signifier that at least one person in his entourage will drown in their own bodily fluids.
Spend Sixteen Minutes A Day Working Off Your Beer Gut
YOU’VE GOT FAT?! Quelle surprise hombre, you’ve just spent four weeks eating like it’s the end of 2015. Your Dry January mates are going to be too weak from not drinking to do any intense exercise, so prove your strength and prowess by completing a day’s worth of FIT IN 4 training. Taken from an ancient Japanese method called Tabata, FIT IN 4 takes four exercises and gives you four minutes to do them. Short term results are your body feeling weaker than it has ever before. Long term results are the abs you’ve always dreamed of.
Buy Records
A record number of vinyl players were sold over the Christmas period, meaning that in households over the UK, Saturday nights will start mimicking those of the mid 80s, where Spotify sounded like a tropical disease and where someone would have to be on hand to flip the record over once every half hour or so. Cool! Invite your pals round, stock up on the vino tinto and sit back for a full 20 minutes of music “heard how it was meant to be”. The age of puritanical music buying is back baby.
Enjoy A Surround Sound Musical Epiphany
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We’ve got this massive speaker system set up in the club that’s got people like The Sun and Resident Advisor (two essential prongs of criticism’s trident, for sure) talking about how good it is. It’s been put there by the good people of Dolby, who, not content with providing surround sound for films, have decided to provide it for you, noble clubber. Head down on January 23rd for Hospitality, where watching London Elektricity will make you feel as though you’re sitting inside his monitors.
Rewatch Every Single One Of Your Favourite DJ Sets FOR FREE
No money, no energy, no brain cells left after pouring your entire energy reserve for 2016 into HAVING THE BEST NYE EVER? Lucky for you. Because of the internet we don’t ever have to go out again, due to most of the good DJ sets in history being already online. Dim the lights, download a strobe app and plug in to some speakers. Need some inspiration? Our very own archive of headline DJs, Live From The Club, can be found here. A-Trak and Amine Edge & DANCE are highly recommended.
